I don't wanna and you can't make me

I'm not keeping up with this blog...and I have no excuses. Maybe I'll return to bloggity goodness, maybe not.

Five things that have made my week.

Tony, Kris, Craig, PJ, CJ, Marty, Nate, Justin, Mary, Alex--the people at Tipoff that make me glad to be there, even if it's watching basketball.

Potato Shrimp Chowder, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Three Cheese Chicken Enchiladas, and that I finally feel like cooking them again.

A day in the house alone. Thanks Shanda!

You up for trouble? Yep.

Making a little extra money for sushi.

Friday Happy Five

Things that have made me smile.

The sun hitting the Grand River making it sparkle as I'm driving down North Park hill.

The duck that swept past me on Mill Creek as it was running high and fast. He looked so calm as the water bounced him all around the creek.

My super-attentive cats who are sharing the fuzzy love with me.

Finally finishing the can of icky cheap coffee and drinking my first cup of the "good stuff."

The greening of the trees outside my window.

Sometimes, life is fun

About a week ago, someone backed into my Bug as it innocently sat in a parking lot. They crunched the driver's side headlight and came across my hood. There is no way they did not feel it, yet they drove off without leaving any information. Blah. When I saw the damage, I stood there in disbelief for a couple of minutes. It was drivable, so I just picked up the headlight pieces and headed for home.

Here is where the good surprises start. First, if there was ever a time for me to be without a car--it is now. I have very few obligations and am within walking distance of Meijers (similar to a Super Target for you non-Michiganders), a credit union, and the library. Plus, I have an awesome roommate who would let me borrow her car or take me somewhere. So the timing was as good as it gets.

Second, Allstate has been wonderful. I reported the claim on Friday. By Saturday morning at 10 AM, I had a check in hand for the damages and a list of places to take my car to get it fixed. If the charges are more than the check given to me---the fix-it place will bill Allstate directly. They waived my deductible, since I wasn't anywhere near my car when this happened. Everyone from my agent (Jim) to the estimate guy (Brian) to the customer service person (April) has been pleasant and helpful.

Third, Jack Keller Ford has also been awesome. I called Monday morning to get the Bug into them to be fixed and they ordered my parts immediately (not too many Bug parts kicking around a Ford dealership, ya know). Jerry gave me a call yesterday to let me know the parts were in and said they could start working on the Bug first thing this morning. Then he offered me their loaner car for free while the Bug was in their shop. I arrive at 8 AM to find they gave me a Pontiac G6. Wow.

I'm surprised at how quickly everything happened. The incident happened less than a week ago and the Bug is already in the shop. I'm very pleased. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to happen. Since I've never had to do this before, I was apprehensive about how it was all going to go. It was (almost) painless. I say almost because it was painful to look at my car in its damaged state. MY POOR BUG!

It also taught me that when you don't have outrageous expectations and things go well, you feel rather happy. An interesting concept for me to learn. Just go with it. When things go well--it's all bonus.

I just don't know

Where do I go from here? What's next for me?

I received a call from Ferris today, letting me know that I did not get the job I interviewed for. I knew it wasn't a slam dunk, but I had thought I had a pretty good chance. And I admit, I was mentally listing the things that would change if I got the job. I would get to move into my own apartment. I would be able to spend a little bit of money on non-essential things. Those plans are completely out of the window.

I was waiting to see how Ferris played out before applying to other positions. I need to fire up the resume machine. I need to start searching. I need to move forward. I need to figure out my next right step.

A good thing is that I am OK. Financially and emotionally. I am disappointed, yes. I think I had it in my head that the Ferris job was a perfect fit because of timing and the people. I was....wrong (quick, write it in the calendar). But, I do believe God has a plan for me. I have no idea what it is, but I'm trying to relax and trust in the bigger picture. I'll do everything I can and then expect God to work on the things only He can.

More Happy Five

I like the number five for some reason. I don't know why.

The bells on the church across the street ringing out at noon. They just go crazy and it's awesome.

The little girl walking ahead of me who picked some flowers and then threw them over herself like she was her own flower girl at her wedding.

The sun shining!!

The very last second goal for Carolina on Tuesday night.

That the step-grandma's growths they removed are NOT cancer!

Welcome to my pretty boring life

I am still in a holding pattern. I will readily admit that this is something I am not good at. I mentally do so much better with a plan; a goal; a purpose. To do lists are some of my favorite things. Right now, I'm waiting to see if I have a job. I interviewed two weeks ago and I was thinking it was my best shot, so I have not applied for any other jobs. Maybe that isn't the smartest thing. Maybe it is. Only time will tell.

So I spend my time right now doing pretty much what I want to do. Read, watch TV, go for long walks, go through my boxes to try to decide what things I still want to own, write in my journal, play on the internet. Sound a little bit like heaven? Yes, it should be. Except, like I say above, I do better with some pressure. I feel like I don't have any kind of foundation.

I am learning to live without a master plan and be OK with that. To realize that things that are meant to be---will be. To just go with whatever happens. The last few days have been good days. Maybe I am finally relaxing into life. I sure hope so. It's hard to go against the universe.

Bloggity, bloggity, bloggity

I know this blog feeds into my Facebook page, but I think I'm ready to blog again--away from the Facebook notes.

To break the ice, a quick note of five things that have made me smile.
A long walk in the cold rain
An adorable bicycle card from my Mom
The movie Stardust
Hiking with Shanda in Newaygo
Cuddling with Big Kitty

Firsts

Firsts...Share

1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
Scott (only went to one prom)

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Yes, but I didn't for a long time.

3. What was your 1st alcoholic drink?
Seagrams 7 and 7 up

4. What was your FIRST job?
Babysitting, but if you mean first "fill out this paperwork" job, then McDonalds.

5. What was your FIRST car?
1976 teal Dodge Dart

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Shanda

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
Mom

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
Ms. Smith

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
St. Louis to visit my aunt and uncle

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
Hey Kelli, I think this means you!

11. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
Kelli's for friends, but I have a lot of cousins to visit....

12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
Mom

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
Um, I think I was a flower girl in Uncle Kenny's first wedding.

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Fed the cats.

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
Bryan Adams, maybe

16. FIRST tattoo?
Angel on my shoulder

17. First piercing?
Ears at 10.

18. First foreign country you've been to?
Does Canada count? If yes, 1999. If no, then England in 2008.

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing?
Flash Gordon at the Drive In

20. When was your FIRST detention?
Nope. Too goody two shoes for that.

21. What was the first state you lived in?
Michigan

22. Who was your FIRST roommate?
Jennifer. She had more in common with our suitemate, though. They would watch 90210 and Melrose Place together. I would go visit my boyfriend.

23. If you had one wish. What would it be?
To have a chance to be an awesome Mom.

24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance?
How to shoot.

25. Who do you think will be the FIRST person to respond to this?
???? (I hate these questions)

So I've been told

It has been brought to my attention recently that I am an "excessive thanker." I tend to tell people "thank you"---a lot. I want to make sure I am not taking people for granted and that I appreciate what they are doing. Really. I do.

So, I want to take this moment to thank EVERYONE. I do mean EVERYONE who has been helping me as I deal with my divorce. You. And you. And you back there, who has helped me and not even known it.

Everyone who has made me giggle (Sean, Roger, Matt, Brian). Everyone who has prayed for me (Leah, Jamie, Lauren, Dougie, Michelle, Melinda, Loretta, Rob, Zoie, Carlyn, Nancy, Dave, Vicki, Lisa, Erika, Cathy, Craig, Erin, Nick, Cory, Krystal, dang this list is long and I'm sure I'm forgetting people!). Everyone who has given me a hug (Mom, Duane, everyone at NHC, Rachel, Molly). Everyone who tells me that it's going to be OK (Shanda, Shirley, Kerry, Scott, Kat, Doug, Stacey, Kelli, Vicki). Everyone who tells me that I'm handling this with courage and grace (Molly, Colleen, Krista). Everyone who has stepped up to help me deal with logistics (Scott, Carol, Brian, Duane, Mom, Shanda). Everyone who has invited me out (Thomas, Charlene, Scott, Carol, Michelle, Kat, Loretta, Mike). Everyone who has offered to be a listening ear or shoulder to cry on (Tim, Shanda, Shirley, oh wait--everybody!). Everyone who wishes I wouldn't leave North Carolina (Mike, Becky, Angela, everyone at The Sun, NHC peeps). Everyone who is excited that I'm going home to Michigan (Shanda, Dad, Grandma, Brook, Erin).

I absolutely believe that I would not be getting through this without the help of all of you. If I did not have this kind of support, I think I would have been a completely useless puddle of Angel by now. From my whole heart: thank you, thank you.

Final Thankful

I am thankful for Loretta for coming up with an awesome idea and calling me about it, leftovers for an easy meal when I'm too tired to cook, Dave for understanding what I was trying to say, my small apartment that can be cleaned in under an hour, and Scott and Carol for picking up the mail.

Two days left!

I am almost done with my thankful/grateful January. Thank goodness. I am thankful for Brian who cracked me up at the restaurant, Debbie who was willing to learn "Grandpa's Game", Mom for listening to me and sharing her opinion, Duane for taking us out to dinner, and Shanda for the early morning phone call.

Only a few more..

I am thankful for Trish at Passport Motors for being my Bug doctor, my green travel coffee mug so I'm not so tempted by Starbucks, my ipod for letting me get away for a little while, Zoie for hosting an awesome group, and Parkside Papers online for more of my favorite journals.

Thankful for me

Seems a bit silly, but I'm going to thank myself today. You're probably not supposed to do that, but it's my list, so I can make up my own rules. I am thankful to myself for: choosing good-for-me foods even when I hear the Siren call of french fries, reaching to others for help, exercising, making right decisions, and looking at the good side of life.

And yet more thankfulness

I am thankful to Molly for being such a positive person, Colleen for telling me how strong I am, the Mars Hill podcast Letter on a Letter, people who dare to have dinner with me, and Sy for somehow helping me flip the switch into okayness.

Song thankfulness

The following songs have made me feel better when I listen to them. So I am thankful for In Repair by John Mayer, Home by Daughtry, Something to Say by Toad the Wet Sprocket, Little Moments by Brad Paisley, and Erase/Replace by Foo Fighters.

Hateful?

Yesterday I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Right from the get-go, I felt very negative. I could have easily done a "hateful" instead of "grateful" list yesterday. But I woke up on the right side today and am ready to look back on the good side of life. Here we go.

I am grateful to Michelle for inviting me out to dinner on Saturday night, Scott and Carol for taco dip stuff and just hanging out, Mom for telling me I'm normal (whew!), Eric for understanding, and Shanda for letting me monopolize the conversation.

I'm noticing that I have been moving to being grateful to people instead of being grateful for things. I think that's a nice way to be.

January 24, 2009

I am thankful for Thomas and Charlene for the pizza and conversation last night, Kelli and Kerry for making me feel the love, warmer weather, the song Second Chance from Shinedown, and Sharpie markers with big paper for my creative streak.

Double up

Today you get a double shot of thankful.

I am thankful for the water pressure in my apartment, the Pooh quilt my Mom made for me, my Dyson vacuum, the wonderful customer service people at my credit union, Roger for making me laugh, Molly and Kelli for tagging me, the women in my small group, Scott and Carol for offering to help move big stuff, a different Scott for ever-so-nicely pointing out how quickly I jump to conclusions, and Kat for her "blossoming" words!

January 21, 2009

Today I am thankful for Shanda's Mom who is able to be with Shanda when I can't, that my cats have finally forgiven me for the move and are sleeping on the bed again, Chocolate Chip cookies warm from the oven, electric blankets, and Shirley (again) for reassuring me that I don't have to be Little Miss Perfect to be loved.

Oops, missed a day

I am thankful for hot showers (after two days of pipes freezing!), Stacey for an awesome brunch at Elmos, Dave's message of how God is still in control and is way bigger than my problem, Zen green tea, and SNOW DAYS!!!!

Grateful/Thankful

I am grateful for tinted primer for covering up bright green, strong arms to move couches, 40% off sales for needed clothing, text messages for communicating when I have a low signal, and the NHC band for a rockin' set today!

Late thankful

I am thankful for Kat (again) for being a "guide" to me, that I have been able to stick to my budget and still have some fun, Mike for wanting to make sure I leave North Carolina with "good thoughts" about his native state, the Toad song "I Will Not Take These Things for Granted" for saying it exactly the way I wish I could, and heated seats in the Bug.

Half way through thankful month

I am thankful for small group for introducing me to the Captivating book, Shanda (again) for the Starbucks card that I used to buy more coffee beans, The Story on NPR for the story on a couple that has been together for 27 years and still have a twinkle in their eyes for each other, Scott for his reassurance that it is all going to be OK, and This American Life (again) for a story where the guy says that something is going to make him 'really really happy' and just the way he said it made me smile.

Daily five

I am thankful for my hairstylist Mary (who promises to say yes if I offer to fly her up to Michigan to cut my hair), Ebay so I can get just what I want at a lower price, Eric for stepping up on the house selling stuff, Weight Watchers for teaching me what I needed to do to lose 40lbs last year (and maintaining it this year), and peanut butter sandwiches because they are yummy and oh-so-easy.

Being thankful

I have to admit, doing these grateful lists feels...corny to me. It feels like I am forcing it at times. But, it does get me thinking of the good things and that can't be all bad, right? Maybe it is a "fake it until you feel it" thing. I am thankful for Brian who makes me laugh (SAHWEET!), my workplace for letting me go home early on Monday, Perry Noble's podcasts (NewSpring church), my Mom for celebrating with me when things go right (and a million other things), and Jeff who reminds me that 40 degree temperatures are warm compared to North Dakota!

5T

I am thankful for naps, that I don't take comfort in shopping, facebook for connecting me up with one of my favorite cousins, people telling me I AM a positive person, and RB at Tri-Printers for saving me boxes.

More thankfulness

Today's five has been very hard to come up with. I have not had a good weekend and it is hard to find the good things at the moment. But find them I will. I am thankful for the co-worker who told me that I've been handling everything with grace and good humor, for the Captivating book I am reading for my small group which makes me feel somewhat normal, for the shrimp/potato chowder recipe from my MIL, for my breadmaker, and for the workout room at my apartment complex.

I'm thankful for

I'm thankful for a good story to drop myself into, Shirley (late night phone call taker), a relaxing Saturday, Dave and Nancy for speaking truth into my life, and having friends to go to dinner with.

Wherein Angel takes a metaphor

And maybe takes the metaphor a bit too far. Or maybe that's not quite the right words.

I'm beginning to think there are at least two kinds of divorces. There is the 2x4 upside the head kind where one person in the relationship completely did not see it coming. Just one day--BANG--and there's a divorce.

Then there is the kind I'm going through. You see the divorce coming like a train coming down the tracks. It doesn't come as a complete surprise. You may be, like I was, in denial that the train is coming. You may think, like I did, that the train will never actually reach you. It just looks like it is coming for you, but you are SURE that there is another set of tracks you don't see that the train will take and go elsewhere. Not at you.

I saw the train and was sure, that even at the last minute, Superman was going to come and STOP THAT TRAIN before it hit me. Something, a miracle, would happen.

But, no miracle happened. The train hit me full force and threw me, tumbling, down the steep embankment where I lay at the bottom saying "Stupid Angel, you saw it coming. Why didn't you DO something? Why didn't you get out of the way?" At least the train didn't squash me under its wheels, never to be heard from again.

I lay at the bottom of that embankment for a little while. Lots of coulda, shoulda, woulda, and what ifs were running through my head. But, now, I'm starting to make my way back up the hill. It's not easy and I sometimes go very slow and basically crawl, but I'm headed back up. I am so not ready to get back on those tracks, but I'm refusing to just lay at the bottom.

Someday, somewhere I'll be ready to take my chances and I'll step back onto the tracks. But until that day comes, I'm going to keep pulling myself up and maybe stop once in a while and look around me. It can't be all bad. I might see a flower in bloom or a tree that has just leafed out. Or maybe, as I crawl higher, the view will open up and get prettier.

And I'll gain a little more perspective.

Thanks from Friday

I am thankful for Angela (you can't leave), Becky (ditto), Iron Chef America (one of the few TV shows I watch), Kelli (what a picture), and finally regaining my upbeat, positive attitude.

Thankful for....

This morning I'm thankful for Krista (hmm, should I be your friend...ABSOLUTELY!), Rhino journals, Kat (yay, sushi!), sunshine, and my devotional time in the morning.

Gratitude

I am grateful for long walks to clear my head, NHC podcasts (especially the baggage series from last year), Bali Hai, a good night of sleep, and the telephone for keeping me connected with those who are far away.

Wednesday Thank Yous

My thankful lists normally come from what has happened the day before, so I guess this is really a gratitude list from Tuesday. I am thankful for scented candles, the Durham Public Library, wool socks, the people who have given me compliments on my Christmas dress picture (you know who you are!), and for time to sit and think.

Pep talk

You are going to have a great future. You are going to achieve your dreams. You are one very strong woman. Figure out what you really want and then do what is in your power to do that. Trust yourself. Believe in yourself. Realize that you've got doors opening for you. Realize that you are taking positive steps in the direction you want to go. Chin up girl. God has got some great things in store for you--just wait and see.

G5

Today I'm grateful for: a hot bath with Amazing Grace bubbles, sleepytime tea, an e-mail Nancy sent to me, Papermate pens, and enough money to buy my groceries for the week.

Grateful on a Monday

I am grateful for: my job, my cats, my Bug, Target, and the 60 degree weather!

January 3

Today I am thankful for: coffee, ibuprofen, a warm apartment, internet, and whoever invented the dishwasher

Let's start up the gratefulness

I am grateful for gingerbread pancakes, Leah, who went hiking with me yesterday, cough drops, hot tea, Shanda, who assures me she is fascinated with all I have to say :)