Thank Goodness for my coworkers

It is only fitting that today I should thank all of my coworkers. They have given me hugs and encouragement through this whole thing. I want to most especially thank S and B. Both of them have let me cry in their offices as I make tough decisions about where to go from here. Everyone has let me know that if I need to talk, they are there for me. They also loaded me down with compliments when I showed up at the Christmas party in my new green dress.

I say that it is fitting I should thank them today, because for some unknown reason--today has been a bad day. I have gone about two weeks without crying. I've had tears in my eyes several times, but no actual crying---until today. And then I did it three times. Nice. I'm not going to be able to leave work today with mascara still on my eyelashes. Dang. So, I thank them all for being so understanding and giving me hugs when I needed them.

Thank Goodness for Music

My current favorite ipod playlist is called Hope. Here is what is on it.

Fight the Good Fight by Triumph
for the line "Don't get discouraged/Don't be afraid/We can make it through another day"

Put Your Lights On by Santana featuring Everlast
for the lines "Cause there's a monster living under my bed/whispering in my ear/There's an Angel with a hand on my head/she say I've got nothing to fear"

Shine Down by Godsmack
for the lines "But I still believe in immortal love/And I know there's someone that's up above"

Times Like These by Foo Fighters
for the lines "It's times like these you learn to live again/It's times like these you give and give again/It's times like these you learn to love again"

Kyrie by Mr. Mister
mostly because it was the song NHC's band played in yesterday's service. But I do need the Lord's Mercy down the road that I must travel.

You Never Let Go by Matt Redman
for the lines "Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on/And there will be an end to these troubles/But until that day comes/Still I will praise You, still I will praise You.

And, as my ipod goes on random and a song comes along that gives me hope, I add it to this list.

Thank God for my church

I went to church for the first time in six weeks today.

On my way to Mom's for Christmas, my ipod randomly played songs from our live church CD. It suddenly hit me---I NEED to go to church. This isn't a want--it's a NEED. The next three days only reinforced this initial feeling. Books I read spoke about the importance of being in community with other believers as you go through this tough time. People I spoke with asked me about church. My mind was made up. I was going to go back to church. To my church.

Knowing that Eric still attends this church, I spoke to him about how I was feeling and how I needed to go back. He encouraged me to go. I am thankful for that.

I was very nervous as I drove up. I had to take a few deep breaths in the car before getting out and approaching the church. God was with me. I saw many familiar faces---all who hugged me and asked me how I was doing. I got teary several times, but it was all good. I felt so cared for and so loved and so supported. Many people said they were praying for me and Eric. I am so, so grateful to everyone that came up and put their arms around me. Mike, Charlene, Thomas, Stacey, Leah, Rob, Dougie, Jamie, Melinda, Al, and I'm probably even forgetting some. You guys rock.

Now, I am normally not a huggy person, but I appreciate each and every hug I received today. It helped me more than I can say. I felt more positive than I have felt in weeks. The sermon was spot-on (Thanks Jamie!) and I can't wait to download that podcast to listen to it again. The music (and I am totally not a singing-in-church kind of person) was also awesome.

I even got to thank Ashley for being a friend to Eric as he goes through this. Her little boy is absolutely ADORABLE. Oh my goodness, that little mohawk just rocks.

Thank you NHC for being a most supportive church. I am so glad I went today and I will be sure not to miss another Sunday until I leave. I am so going to miss all of you---but we'll think about that later.

TG for K

Thank Goodness for my friend K. She was one of the first people I told and has encouraged me to keep my chin up. She has been where I'm at and understands the things I'm dealing with. She and her husband came to Durham for a concert and I had a very awesome dinner with them. She is willing to let me talk at her for a while and makes me laugh about the silly things in life.

Thanks K. I definitely need to get out to see you before I head up to the cold north!

Yeah, this is hard

Thank Goodness for the holidays. Because, in a way, it is better to just rip the band-aid off and feel the pain all at once. That is what this holiday season is for me. Sometimes I feel I'm going to be OK; the next second it is all just too hard.

Yesterday had me thinking of the first Christmas Eric and I spent together. I flew down to Virginia Beach to spend the holiday with him and Christmas Day found us driving around Virginia Beach looking for somewhere open to eat. We were finally able to find a Subway so we could have food on Christmas Day. Even the 7-11 was closed!

It's memories like those that make me sad. Two steps forward; one step back.

Oh dang

This one should definitely have gone up sooner. Thank Goodness for our neighbors! They have offered to let me come over and hang at their house "as if nothing is going on!" They have also helped me move my stuff around and keep letting me know that they are willing to still do stuff with me. The really cool thing is that they are still friends with Eric too, which is just fine. I admire them for being friends to both of us as we're going through this.

So thank you, S & C, for being there for me---and for being the kind of friends that can make me laugh even now.

This American Life

Thank Goodness for This American Life. I never thought I would be thanking something instead of thanking someone, but it has done an excellent job at distracting me when I needed it. This show completely absorbs me; I just drop right into the stories. The first time was on my drive home in November. When I thought there was no way I could make the 13 hour drive home, I plugged in the ipod and started up the podcasts. I was able to not think too much about the drive and what was happening in my life.

The next time was during one of my 'drive aimlessly around Durham' drives. Once again, I was in need of distraction and This American Life did not disappoint. The show included a story about Marching Band (maybe that shouldn't be capitalized?) and I found myself laughing in recognition.

The best thing about the podcast is that it is always there when I need it. I don't need to worry about if I'm getting a signal, because it will always come in clear. The stories are interesting enough to let my rabid-squirrel brain take a rest while I listen. There is usually something that makes me laugh out loud each week. So, thanks to Ira Glass and the whole crew at This American Life, because I'm not sure how well I would have coped if I didn't have the podcast.

Thank Goodness

This is a thank goodness for all those people who have said to me "call me if you need me." Many people fall under this heading. I know they are letting me know that they care about me and want to help me get through this difficult time. I appreciate each and every one of them, even if I don't call.

And that's the small fly in this entry. I have people who have given me their phone numbers, yet I have not called them. I have had times when I needed to talk to someone and have not dialed their numbers. Why? I'm not entirely sure. Maybe it is the part of me that thinks I should be "strong enough" to get through this without being that woman that needs to bleed her soul on everyone in sight. Maybe it is because it is not easy for me to open up, especially now. Maybe it is because I am reluctant to put myself in a position where they would be too busy to listen to me whine, and I'll hang up the phone feeling worse than when I first called.

I'll admit, I am leaning on people in a way that would have been unheard of six months ago. I'm learning that it is OK to open up. I'm just a bit more willing to let people in. I'm showing people that my life isn't the pretty picture I've been showing off for years. I'm more messy than that. They are showing me that messy is just fine; they still like me anyway.

Completely unrelated to the Thank Goodness

So I was reading in Real Simple magazine about how people would do a gratitude journal. I am toying with the idea of listing five things that I am grateful for--everyday for the month of January. So, I would finish up my Thank Goodness series and start the gratitude series for January. I can come up with five things everyday, right?

One I never thought I would write

Thank goodness for my inlaws, who have let me know that while they hope the marriage works out, they believe I did all I could to save the marriage. The thing is, I expected "my" people to comfort me and be understanding; I did not expect Eric's people to do so. I expected them to tell me to suck it up and stick it out. When they didn't, somehow it meant a lot to me.

I never thought I would write this post when Eric and I first decided to divorce. Their support and love is pleasantly surprising . I guess I expected them to completely be on his side. But life isn't so black and white and they see that.

TG for S

Thank goodness for my friend S, who is always on the other end of the phone to talk. S checks in with me to make sure I'm doing OK and questions me to make sure I'm going in the direction I really want to go.

Cousin tg

I called my cousin out of the blue with the news and she really supported me. She went through this about three years ago and is my guide for what's going to happen. Every time I call her, she reassures me that what I'm feeling is perfectly normal. Even when she is busy with her three kids, she is not too busy to talk to me.

She also was one of the people that is excited I'm moving home. She talked about how we're going to hang out together---just like old times when she and I would sit on the couch and talk about life. I'm looking forward to that. :)

Best Friend thank goodness

My best friend has been my rock through this time. She has listened to me go on and on without interrupting me or trying to give me advice. She sympathizes with my problems and cheers on my successes. I've called her crying more times than I care to admit and each time she has responded with caring and clarity.

She was also one of the first to be excited that I'm moving home. She has offered to let me live with her rent free until I get my feet under me. She is even allowing my cats!

Next Thank Goodness

The next Thank Goodness award goes to my step father. He is the one "speaking truth" into my life right now. He's the one that is sometimes playing Devil's Advocate and getting me to acknowledge and clarify what I really want right now. He sometimes argues with me, which is interesting. My family is a very "avoid" family and we don't confront. To have him confront me about what I'm dealing with and yet I know that he loves me and only wants what is best for me is teaching me a lot.

Thank Goodness Series

Thank goodness for my Dad. When I called to tell him the news that I was getting a divorce, he said exactly the right thing. He just sympathized with me and told me that he loved me. Then, when I told him that I was moving home, you could actually hear him getting excited to have me near him again. That made my day, knowing that he was looking forward to me being home.

So, Thanks Dad. Thanks for listening when I vented about E.

Thank goodnes for

I'm hoping this will be the first post of many.

As I'm going through my divorce, I have many people to thank for keeping me sane. This first post is a big Thank You to my Mom. She has provided me refuge, came to help me clean when I called her in a state, and is helping me move into my new apartment. She is also willing to listen to me for hours on end---I don't know how she does it.

Through it all, she is totally on my side and encourages me to keep thinking positively. She has not done any "I told you so's" or tried to give me advice. She just listens and tells me that this will all work out for the best.

Thank you so much Mom. I don't know how I'd survive right now without you.

Jumping right in

And just who is going to read this old post in a few years anyway?

Hi, my name is Angel and currently, I'm going through a divorce. About three weeks ago, my husband and I decided it wasn't working. We have been having some issues for a few years now, but they really came into focus in the last six months. Finally, we sat down to have a big talk. It wasn't pleasant. Heck, it ISN'T pleasant. We had both told ourselves that this would never happen to us. Yet, here we are.

One bright side to look on right now is that we are both still civil through all this. We aren't at each other's throats; we're not screaming at each other. But there is a lot of crying (mostly on my side) and there is a lot of "oh goodness, I'm sick to my stomach."

Final note for now: thanks to the state of North Carolina, E will be my husband until next NOVEMBER. Holy cats.